This past week I saw what is quite possibly the worst movie I have ever seen. So maybe that’s a bit too much; I’ll just call it the “least entertaining movie I have ever seen.” Immortal seems to be the result of the movie-makers’ fantasizing for much of pre-production about just how awesome this film is going to be, as it pays homage to every genre EVAR. You know how, more often then not, papers and assignments you have to cram for, or stay up until 4 in the morning the night before its due, turn out like rubbish? Well, if you were cramming for a movie, Immortal would be the result.

For starters, Immortal seems to have an insurmountable identity crisis: “Am I a video game cut-scene or a b-movie?” I feel strongly that mixing live action with CGI can be successful, if executed correctly. I was very impressed with Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow and how it brought to life a new and extra-ordinary world in a pointedly graphic and stylized manner. Sin City successfully used extensive computer stuff to realize a very specific vision. Even Yoda and [cringe] Jar-Jar merged beautifully with their “real” environments, enhancing the viewers’ suspension of disbelief. The EXTENSIVE CGI in Immortal accomplished none of this. The viewer is left asking “Why?” during the ‘better’ parts and “WTF?” during some of the not-so-good parts. Characters that are lacking in any semblance of realism are acting alongside real actors. Why? Please tell me: why? This movie would have been so much more entertaining if it had just picked one or the other. Concern 1: addressed.

It is my understanding that a protagonist and antagonist are basic building blocks of a story. Someone that the viewer can relate to, pull for and learn about this strange new world with. I guess the latter part was addressed with the three month old, fully grown chick. I have narrowed the contenders for this role down to three characters: some Egyptian deity, a dude and a chick. The Egyptian guy wakes up one morning and decides he’s going to die at the hands of these other Egyptian deities (who reside in a flying pyramid, by the way) if he doesn’t do this one thing in seven days. Homeboy kills, like, seven people in his attempts to secure a host that can hold his awesomeness. So, recap: homicidal, Egyptian deity is probably not our protagonist. If you’re anything like me, you’re probably concerned that this guy might fit the bill for the antagonist (read: “bad guy”) but I beg to differ. His quest is the reason we’re watching the flick: we are meant to relate to his need to survive, despite the fact that he’s a first rate douche. The guy is only really a candidate because of his screen time: he does absolutely nothing of his own accord and he definitely does not pull the viewer into the movie or its universe. He is at best a puppet with an amusing accent. The chick has these bad ass powers that she doesn’t really ever use… she just has them for, well, why the hell not? She has a mysterious benefactor that tells her stuff then abandons her in (of all places) central park (which has become this horrid vortex of awfulness, and we know this because some news bit in the movie tells us). So, we are left with really no one to tell us why some of the inhabitants of this world are piss-poor CGI and some are piss-poor actors and why we should give a frak about any of these people or this world.

Overall, the basic premise had tremendous promise, as did the broad concept of the universe, but was very poorly executed. There are countless issues that I’m sure were meant to make the film more artistic, but instead make it nearly impossible to watch, but more importantly, there is nothing to make you WANT to follow or understand it. I was considering holding on to the DVD for another night, to give it a second chance, perhaps to find something I missed the first time around, but after brief consideration, I realized that I should quite while I’m ahead, while I only have two hours invested in this debacle. In summation, Immortal was, at best, a half-assed rough draft of a decent movie that should have never been approved for any sort of release.